


Fear and Loathing

by Neigedens



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-18
Updated: 2012-10-18
Packaged: 2017-11-16 13:54:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/540153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neigedens/pseuds/Neigedens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are now the ROGUE OF VOID. You have just made your triumphant arrival in the LAND OF PYRAMIDS AND NEON. Your planet resembles both a necropolis and a low-rent casino complex, if such a thing is possible. What will you do?</p><p>
  <b>> we cant stop here tihs is turtle country</b>
</p><p>That is not a valid command!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fear and Loathing

**Author's Note:**

> This was written a couple months ago for the first round of HSO, but I sort of forgot about. It's mostly been jossed by now, but so it goes. It goes AU just before [here](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=006937), I guess, so Jane and Roxy never died before entering the Medium.

**> Be Roxy.**

You are now the ROGUE OF VOID. You have just made your triumphant arrival in the LAND OF PYRAMIDS AND NEON. Your planet resembles both a necropolis and a low-rent casino complex, if such a thing is possible.

You are preparing to meet your best friend in person. In the flesh. Not as a joke.

Oh god.

**> Roxy: Survey LOPAN**

You stand on top of the hill where the husk of your house landed. The surface of your planet stretches out around you like the urban sprawl of an actual city, not dissimilar to the chessboard slum you left behind you.

Only difference is, LOPAN is bright. LOPAN shines, even in the mostly lightless gloom of the Medium. There are pyramids bedecked with the bright red glare of the neon that is apparently naturally-occurring on your planet? Sure, why not.

It's pretty. Also creepy. The glow strikes you as unnerving, no matter how naturally-occurring said noble gas might be on your planet.

**> Roxy: Descend**

You approach one of the closest pyramids and in the meantime contact your bffsy.

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

TG: jaaaaaaaaaaney  
GG: Hey! In the Medium already?  
TG: yup  
GG: And, uh, are you still mad at me?  
TG: am i mad at u  
GG: Well, last time we talked you were sort of all in a tizzy!  
TG: lolol thats sounds like a stupid way to say a thing  
TG: a tizzy sounds like an adorable thing 2 be in  
GG: Hoo hoo. :B  
GG: So is that a no?  
TG: no it is not a no i am still six difefrent kinds of pipssed at you miz crocker  
GG: Argh, not this again!  
GG: I'm sick of it!  
TG: man relax.  
TG: im not actually mad, just...disappointed?  
GG: Wow, thanks.  
GG: I had no idea you were someone's MOM.  
TG: u just gotta work at being more open and honest with people, k?  
GG: Right, that's a great idea. Honesty lessons from you, of all people.  
TG: k dun rly knwo what you're impyling with that statement there  
TG: but anyway this wasnt suppsed to become a bitchsterlog  
TG: i wanted to tell u  
TG: 2 come to my planet! right away!!!!

Step one of Jane's lessons in emotional honesty and interpersonal bravery: proceeding apace.

GG: Of course I'd love to but... I still haven't found my dad. :(  
TG: yeahhhhh  
TG: well look at it this way  
TG: you've been searching for him for ages already maybe he just lkie  
TG: doesnt want to be found  
GG: What!  
TG: which is hella unlikely  
TG: orrrr he stumbled onto your second gate  
TG: and is now testin the slots of my awesome vegas planet  
GG: I have no idea what you're talking about.  
TG: im talkin about a casino  
TG: janey its a planet-wide casino pretty much  
TG: interested yet? ;3

You feel some cursory sympathy for the turtles on your planet, all of whom ate it centuries before your arrival on LOPAN. Before they bit the neon-bright dust, however, they carved some pretty spectacular tombs for themselves, bedecked with neon signs that describe the mythology of your planet. The signs are so bright you don't really bother to read them. You decide to look for anyone else who might be around, although, despite what you told Jane, you kind of doubt that her dad stumbled onto the planet and is inspecting the turtles' abandoned bingo halls as you speak.

Your planet's tacky, neon-laden allure is indeed not the siren song that will attract Jane to your planet, but then you knew that. Jane is a fuddy-duddy, and the allure of converting all her hard-won boonbucks to varying amounts of grist in the turtles' slot machines is not what's going to make her want to road trip it with you. Fear and Loathing in LOPAN, or something.

TG: janey  
TG: two words:  
TG: BEACH  
TG: PARTY  
GG: What?  
TG: BOO YAH  
GG: Is there some sort of hallucinatory gas being pumped into your planet's atmosphere?  
GG: I swear, ever since you arrived in the Medium I have not understood two words you have said together at a time!  
TG: lol what else is new  
TG: jane what im tryin to say is  
TG: get ur hot butt over here it is hot on my planet and there is a beach calling our names  
GG: Well.  
TG: crocker it whispers  
TG: lalondeeeee  
TG: jaaaaaney  
GG: OK, stop saying silly things and tell me how to find the gate.  
TG: oh fuck yes  
GG: :B

You are all _about_ beach parties, unlike all the fuddy duddies you're friends with. Converting Jane from fuddy duddy-ism to uber-coolkid-itis is going to be the crowning victory of this epic quest in gaming fantasyland. All you have to do is be prepared, and get her prepared, too.

You return to your house and alchemize that which will make this the Land of Parties and More Fucking Parties. You intend to cut loose even more than Commander Riker on the paradise planet. You will do Jonathan Frakes' beard proud if it's the last thing you do.

**> Roxy: Get alchemizin'**

You have, suddenly, the greatest of all possible great ideas. You procure the necessary items easily enough, and produce something that will make Jane the life of the party, pun in-fucking-tended. No one must know of it yet, however. It will be your secret.

Well, your secret and a secret of the dozens of carapaces who escaped the miles with you and are chilling out in your house. Jane will have quite the welcome wagon, whenever she chooses to arrive.

**> Jane: Get pestered for the billionth time**

TG: r u here yet  
TG: r u here yet  
TG: jamey pick up  
TG: ppaaaaaaaging doc crock  
TG: oh my god

After awhile you tune out the text notifications and focus on just _getting_ to where Roxy is, which isn't easy because her planet is like a giant flashing migraine. You eventually pick out her house, which you recognize from being her server player, albeit briefly.

You pick out Roxy, who you recognize of course by her long purple scarf and the fact that she's the only human in a dense throng of the strange chessmen you recognize from your Prospit dreams.

"Hi," is all you think to say, and then, "Who--"

"These are my neighbors what I brought with me to LOPAN," says Roxy. "So this is really nothing they haven't seen before."

"What is--oh." You're almost taken aback by the bone-cracking hug Roxy gives you then, but not really. What else did you expect, even if Roxy really is mad at you? Which she (probably) isn't.

She certainly is _something_ anyway. She hugs you for a long time, squeezing you tightly at first and then easing off and just putting her head against your shoulder. You feel this weird mixture of exasperation and pleasure when she does that, which isn't exactly a novelty when it comes to Roxy. "Hi," you say.

"Hey there," she says, still not letting go. "It's good to see you."

You honestly weren't sure what you were expecting. A violent reaction, to be sure, although possibly not violent in this direction. On the hike over here you had a fleeting vision of her tackling you, or pouncing on you or smacking your ass really hard like she said she would. Your face gets hot and you let go. "It's good to see you, too. I'm glad you're alright."

"I'm glad you're alright, too," she says. "And that you're here for me to keep an eye on and can stop giving the AR fits."

Your face gets hotter. "He is the bossiest bit of eyewear I ever met, I swear. And I'm here now, aren't I? Are we going to look for my dad now?"

"'Course. We just gotta get all our shit together."

Despite how long you've known Roxy, and the weird knowing looks the carapaces are giving you, you utterly fail to imagine what said shit could be.

Still, very quickly, she is ready.

**> Jane: Survey the Strip.**

Despite looking a lot like Las Vegas, Roxy's planet does not actually have a Strip.

"From what I can tell," Roxy says, "the turtles on my planet prepared themselves for ages for my arrival. Like, ages and ages."

"Yeah, I guess that's the pattern," you say, following her down the hill. "That's what the salamanders were doing on my planet."

"They were preparing for my arrival for who knows how long," says Roxy, "and when I arrived they were going to throw me the most ultimate of all parties, and by using my astonishing luck and guile I was going to bring this crooked town to its knees."

"Uh..."

"Because, you see, the Dersite royalty running this joint were a buncha scumbags. Their rackets were possibly almost as crooked as actual Las Vegas and there were a lot of goddamn kneecaps getting busted when they were in charge, let's just say."

"You're not serious."

She continues, unfazed. "But I, as the Rogue of Void, was meant to change all of this. I was meant to throw all the irreverent Dersite tossers from the temples of Nyx and make this a tourist trap safe for everyone. Alas..."

"You are not taking this seriously."

"I am! I'm trying to tell you what I pieced together of my planet's lore while you were taking your sweet-ass time getting here. Unfortunately, the prophecies were incorrect. I was not going to come and save their asses in time. The turtles all went extinct before that could happen, it really sucks."

"Yeah..."

"Thankfully," she says, grabbing your hand and helping you across a stream that's narrow but so deep the water running through almost looks black, "I have finally arrived. And I have brought the fucking party with me."

You pause. "Sorry, am I supposed to say anything to that? It's completely ridiculous."

"Jane, look at all of this. How could it even be anything else but ridiculous?" She still hasn't let go of your hand.

You hesitate, then finally shrug. "I'm glad you're finally getting into this game, I guess?"

She squeezes your hand. "I am totally into this. Come on. We'll go look for your dad in the biggest temple now, all right?"

"Sure." You squeeze back, but you suppose she can tell you're preoccupied. "You don't really think my dad's around here, do you?"

She looks mildly worried for the first time. "I'm not sure. I really hope he wasn't on Derse when shit was exploding."

You sigh and decide to change the subject. "So what's in this temple? Where's this beach you mentioned?"

She squeezes again. "The carapaces are keeping a look-out, Janey. Don't worry, OK? Your dad is a big hunky studly slab of mangrit, and no stupid Dersite archagents or fish queens can take him down."

You feel yourself smiling, just a little, even as you glare at her. "OK, we can do what you want, but you have to stop talking about how hot you think my dad is."

**== >**

The ceilings of the temples-cum-casinos are really high, and in the back they open directly onto the beach Roxy was talking about earlier. The air is stifling in the temple ("The air conditioners went extinct, along with all the turtles," says Roxy, which is probably a load of horse hockey, but whatever.) so you are grateful to have the clear water so close.

"This is nice," you say, leaning off the dock and washing your face. The walk from the gate was dusty.

"Hell yeah. Just two bffsies, getting their max chill on, am I right?"

"I was just about to say that," you say, holding up your glasses to the temple lights and washing them on the hem of your skirt.

"Makes you wish you'd alchemized a bikini or a sarong or some kind of bathing raiment, doesn't it?" Roxy asks, wiggling her eyebrows.

"What are you--"

"SURPRISE, SUCKAH." Roxy is no Dirk, but she studied weaponizing a sylladex once, so the item comes shooting out of her liquor cabinet sylladex at light speed. It wafts down in two floating halves, one of them landing on your head.

"You stole one of my swimsuits?" you ask, taking the bra off of your head. "And put it in your sylladex and didn't eject until..."

"Until I had the perfect time to call you 'suckah,' yes," says Roxy, taking off her shirt. She's wearing her bikini top beneath her clothes. "And it's not yours, it's a copy of mine but I alchemized it with something to make it blue for you, _you're welcome_."

"Alchemized it with what?" you ask, picking up the other half and eyeing both pieces speculatively. It's a perfectly normal bathing suit, which is suspicious.

"Fuck, I think it was one of Jake's posters. Of what's her face. Stupid space furry Pocahontas. You know who I mean."

"Neytiri? Wow, that really makes me want to wear it, you certainly know how to sell your product."

"Look, it's a swimsuit made from a picture of a space furry, not an actual furry space swimsuit. Just wear it!"

"I guess I should be happy it's not an actual fursuit, given the components." Roxy gives you a look. "Oh fine," you say, walking into a little alcove to change. "Just keep a lookout, make sure none of the carapaces are watching."

"Is it all right?" asks Roxy from the other side of the wall, sounding oddly apprehensive.

"It's fine," you say, and suddenly, to Roxy's very great surprise, you're standing right next to her. You are wearing the CUSTOMARY NA'VI BATHING RAIMENT and not looking much worse for the wear. You grab Roxy around the middle and hoist her up in a fireman's carry.

"Wait, no, _Jane, there's no horseplay allowed by the side of the pool, Jane_ \--"

Before Roxy can say much else, you have chucked her into the water off the side of the dock. The water is clear and deep, and bracingly cold, you figure.

"Oh my god," says Roxy, sputtering and dog-paddling over where you are enjoying the spoils of a successful Prankster's Gambit. "I'm not supposed to get my ears wet. Tubes, you know?"

"Oh no, really?" you ask, bending down over the edge of the dock with your brow wrinkling in concern.

Despite your vaunted prankster skills, you fall for this oldest of tricks easily. "Nope," says Roxy, and a second later she pulls you in with her.

**> Be the Rogue.**

You are now the Rogue, and you have just stolen a little bit of chill-out time for you and your bffsy.

Jane takes a lot of this shit kind of seriously; there's the Jake thing, which she fucked up beyond all recognition. There's her dad, who she is legitimately worried about, and so you guess you're sort of touched that she took the time out from chasing a rabbit around an exploding Derse to see you? You honestly didn't expect all your cajoling to work, and now that it did, and she's here and you've snapped her bra like six times as a joke, you're not really sure how to react.

You're not even sure what to do when she kisses you.

"Um," she says, with her hand on the back of your head still. "Was that not--"

"You idiot," you say, and wipe a wet lock of hair off her face to kiss her, too. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Uh, excuse me? Was I the one making jokes about spanking you and grabbing my hand and...and." She stops. "I don't know. I didn't think meeting you would be like this."

Neither did you. The two of you climb back onto the dock to dry off. Across the bay you can see the carapaces from your house moving around, and you wave to them as Jane puts her head on your arm.

"I guess I didn't either," you say finally, and kiss her again, and wonder if you can untie her Neytiri bathing suit one-handed. Paradise fucking planet indeed.


End file.
